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So I'm coming clean. I had depression. It was awful. And then it was better. Here are some of the things I discovered along the way.
The Lie: Depression is only justifiable if there is no cause for it.
What? Yeah. Let me explain.
The lie I bought into is that if I was sad because I lacked coping skills than my depression was a shaming act that I was responsible for, and there was no justification for it. "Come on Elizabeth. Your life's not that hard and you should just get over it. What's wrong with you?" Now, if there was no reason to be depressed and I still was then that would be a chemical imbalance and not my fault and not something to be ashamed of.
The Truth: It doesn't matter right now why or why not. Meet yourself where you are and get help.
I believed people who were depressed because there were sad things in their life just lacked the coping skills they needed to be happy. Truth be told, I still believe that. Sometimes the coping skill is a little pill, sometimes it's a therapist, sometimes it's a person, sometimes it's faith. But in the midst of mental imbalance the see-saw of self-examination that accompanies our flaws is not a stabilizing endeavor. Stop it. Recognize your need and take action. Empower yourself, stop examining yourself. You'll get to that when your mind is steady and your vision is cleared.
The visual: From this:
To this:
The Lie: Depressed people are not able to function.
My image of being depressed was being unable to get out of bed or have a conversation. I've known people who have that level of depression and I have mad respect for their resilience and the fact that my friends who have been there have also been positive, influential, powerful forces for good. In my mind that was depression, and anything less than that was just being a wimp.
The Truth: Depression is a spectrum. Because humans.
I could function. I worked. I felt kinda happy. But not for a whole day. On a daily basis I found myself sobbing in my car for a reason I could not identify. That was the point when I knew I was beyond my own help, and I was a depressed, broken little person. Of course depression is a spectrum! Guess what? EVERYTHING IS A SPECTRUM! We are humans and while I believe there is black and white in relation to truth, I also believe that our emotional daily function exists on a spectrum. So if you're on it that's okay. And if you're not, congratulations! We'll try to figure some stuff out so we can be there for you when it's your turn.
The Visual:
The Lie: Depression should be carefully hidden to make people comfortable, and then processed very loudly to make people educated.
We're going to start off with a visual here.
"Elizabeth isn't really stepping up today like she normally does. She must be an imperfect human."
"Elizabeth was very dismissive and uncomfortable in that social situation. She really brought us down."
"Elizabeth was rude and did not seem like she had all her emotions together."
"What the heck is wrong with Elizabeth?"
I avoided social events because I always arrived and left feeling completely inept at people-ing. I very carefully controlled my interactions with the world desperate to avoid any implication of my identity as someone with depression.
But! Then when I started to get better I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I became this weird, presumptuous, bubbly, false empathizer (#notaword) that seemed laden with the burden of helping everyone label their own depression, understand mine, and be perfectly aware that I knew what they were going through. It was over the top. In some ways this short-lived era is almost harder for me to understand than the depression era. It was like I was so relieved to be crawling out of this hole that I went overboard trying to cram my experience down other people's throats. (Single friends: Like when someone gets married and they're so happy and their one mission in life becomes getting you married too. Am I right?)
The Truth: Rock what you got/Be a class act
Just yesterday I watched a kid who can barely control his own body movement stand up in front of a dozen people and bounce-wiggle-dance his way through a four-minute song. Rock what you got.
My brother on the autism spectrum broke up a fight at scout camp by telling the kids to stop it and go get a drink of water. Rock what you got.
I wanted to serve people during my depression but also didn't want to see people. So everyday I wrote a note, sent a text or wrote an e-mail expressing gratitude for someone else. Rock what you got.
Do your best. Take what you have and run with it. Be sincere. Rock what you got. (Shout out to Dave for teaching me that phrase in the first place. I use it everyday.)
But remember, be a class act. When my Dad calls someone a class act it's a big deal. That person is awesome. So I've watched carefully my whole life the people who are class acts and I've tried to understand what makes them so awesome. They're open when it is beneficial to the matter at hand. They are efficient with their energy and with yours. They are more invested in people than in things. They think long-term without losing sight of the short-term. They take care of themselves and others. They do not wear their history on their sleeve, nor do they portray themselves as superhumans. They're not in it for themselves. So be proud of your progress, but be a class act.
In summation:
I, a typically happy and positive person, had depression. For me I responded beautifully to weekly meetings with a therapist, a lot of practical changes to the way I ran my day, a good deal of humble prayer, and a little more fluidity to my own expectations. Those things then led me to greater self-empowerment that led me to an incredible job, a courageous cross-country move, and a deep gratitude for the incredible people in my life. For me, depression is no longer something I fight with, but I am perfectly aware that at some point life will knock me down flat and I'll have to build my way back up again. So if you're in that spot know that there are people who get it. If people are imperfect in the way they help you, guess what? They are trying to help you! Focus on that for just a moment. We all have bought into lies and we all have truth on our side. The trick is to use the gift of hindsight to honestly analyze which is which. In the end we're all helpers, and we are all the people who need help.
Don't be this:
Be this:
And also this:
And depending on the day either this walrus or the guy with the fishcake:
And I'm out.
