A Navajo Smile

"Now there are some things we all know, but we don’t take’m out and look at’m very often. We all know that something is eternal. And it ain’t houses and it ain’t names, and it ain’t earth, and it ain’t even the stars…everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings…There’s something way down deep that’s eternal about every human being." ~Thornton Wilder

Here's something I often" take out and look at". Something that helps me think and see beyond the daily distractions. This is a photo taken in 1904 by Edward S Curtis. It is titled "A Navajo Smile" and is completely unique when compared to his hundreds of other photographs. Don't you want to know her? Doesn't she seem wonderful? Photographs like this point me to the eternities when I lose my comfort in them. There are things in life, big things, that the thought of eternity cannot always soothe. But this photo of a woman who lived in a painful time for her people always centers me. 

She exudes hope; hope for the day and hope for the eternities.

  

Faith, hope and charity all work together. I believe the greatest of those attributes is charity.

 But hope has sure gotten me through some rough spots. 

Hope is different than comfort, peace, or clarity, but it leads to all of them.

I've been promised many joyful reunions when I leave this earth and there are some I greatly look forward to and anticipate every day. Then there are some people I just can't wait to meet.

This woman is one of those people. 

She's convinced me to analyze hope in my life. Who brings me hope? How do I foster hope? 

How does hope impact me? How do we most effectively offer hope to others? 

As Zora Neale Hurston said, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." 

Here's to hoping 2014 does a whole lot of both! 

 

A Confession of Cheesy Dreams and Love Stuffs

Can I just tell you, oh so very quickly, about my favorite statue?

It's in the Springville Museum of Art, which is about ten minutes from where I used to live in Provo, Utah. I LOVE this art museum and often visited just because there's something wonderful about the building itself, let alone the art inside. This piece is a relatively small piece that's sitting on a little stand in the middle of a room upstairs. Before we talk about it let's remind you of one thing:

I'm not married. I would like to be, but I am not. I am very happy with my life and the way things have gone, but if the right opportunity to get married came up I'd gladly jump into that exciting and adventurous boat. In the meantime, I absolutely love that I can leave the light on late at night and can cook what I want to eat without consulting anyone. There are things to enjoy no matter where you are.

There, glad we established that.

The first time I saw this statue tears came to my eyes. Dramatic, but true. I think I went back to look at it about three times before I left that day, and it was always one of my first stops when I went back. I love this statue. It shows exactly what I am looking for in a marriage in a simple, beautiful, practical way.

There's a man and a woman. They've obviously been working and are taking a break. She is sitting barefoot, feet sticking out, absentmindedly cleaning her work tool,  chatting about whatever is on her mind; basically she is completely comfortable and feels entirely safe to be her human self.

He looks tired. He's hunched over, he's probably been doing the hardest work there is to do. They're clearly not done with their workday, but despite the work he has ahead he is calm, focused and present. He's sitting quietly and listening. And let's take a glance at how he's looking at her, shall we?

 

 

Can you see how amazed he is that she's real and she's there? With him! I'm not saying my husband has to completely adore me and be overwhelmed with gratitude that I'm in his life, but he has to completely adore me and be overwhelmed with gratitude that I'm in his life.  I'll feel that way about him so it better be reciprocated, that's all.

This is what I want in a marriage. I want to work together, and when it's time to take a break I want us to seek each other out, because it's natural that we would take that moment together. I want us to feel comfortable, to be ourselves. I want us to relish each others humanity and to find joy in things that happen everyday, not just the big romantic moments that tend to get swallowed up in monotony as time goes on. They're great moments, but that can't be the only place you find joy. I want to be able to be still together- to sometimes, but not always be going and driving each other to progress or change or improve- sometimes people should just be. 

And it wouldn't hurt if he has nice forearms and is capable of appreciating my quirky music tastes (Burl Ives, anyone?). But one step at a time.

My ideal relationship is not the fairy tale, it's not the love ballad, it's not the cheesy poems that talk about marriage like it solves every problem and heals every hurt. My ideal marriage is the Russian couple in the field who have worked through enough to be content with the prospect of continuing to work through whatever comes. Oh, and they adore each other.

Also, cool scythe, right? Imma get me one of those.

Recaps and Resolutions

WARNING: This post has no photos. I know, awful. So scroll down and look at the post just before this with my fancy little collage that my computer made for me. Once you've had your fill come back and read the wordy post. Good luck.

Ahem.

2013

Quite the year. A brief summary is being drafted (meaning I've been thinking about it and probably will write one sometime but don't know when but what a lovely intention that is that I have) but in the meantime, here's a look at how goals went.

2013 Goals and Word of the Year

Physical: Make a habit of going to bed hungry

This one I feel like I've done pretty well with. Because I started exercising more this year (I said that casually but I expect you to be impressed) there were times when I was legitimately in need of a little snack post-work out (again, be impressed). But overall I've done better not eating at night to stay awake or as a means of procrastination. So yay for that!

Emotional: Purposefully serve a member of my family everyday

The purposefulness is what gets me here.It seems shallow, but I really had to put away whatever I was thinking about or feeling to really and truly look for a way to serve a member of my family. Often opportunities would fall into my lap, but I learned this year how easy it is to be complacent or selfish when it comes to family. Final verdict: Adequate improvement in conceptual understanding, Greater improvement needed in practice.

Spiritual: Read The Bible cover to cover

Totally bombed this one. I didn't even make it through The Old Testament. But what I did read I absolutely loved. Except Numbers, as previously discussed. I am nowhere near giving up on this goal! I just need to make it more of a daily priority. 

Mental: Read 30 books

Um, yeah. At the beginning of the year I was working part-time and seeking meaning and purpose in life and I read a lot of books. So I met this goal in August. I finished my 40th book just before the end of 2013.I read some really fantastic literature this year. I'd love to geek out and tell you what I read and how I felt about it and which fictional characters I'm most in love with but I will spare you. (Just in case you were hoping not to be spared, here's a link to the list of books I read and you can read my little reviews of them. Go ahead, goodreads stalk me. Right here.  Also, fictional crushes= Jack, Max, Sirius. That is all.)

Word of the Year: Listen

This was a really good word for me. I talk too much! And it also reminded me to connect with people more, which is easy for me to forget out here in Rockbridge County. How can you listen to people unless there are people to talk with? I also tried to really listen and understand and empathize with everything around me, including myself. So while I'm no master at any of that it was great to make that a focus for a year. Hopefully I'll maintain that goal throughout, you know, forever.

But wait kids! There's more!


2014 Goals and Word of the Year

Physical: Run!

I hate running. Hate. Haaaaaaaate. But I also know that it's a really good thing to do and that I will feel exponentially better if I learn how to not be horrible at it. So my physical goal this year is intentionally vague. No overall times or distances, just freaking run. I'm planning on setting smaller goals along the way, but for now running in general is where we're headed. Kicking and screaming but still headed towards those terrible torturous treadmill machines.  If I feel like I'm a capable runner by the end of the year that would overcome some awfully powerful and long-held physical, mental and emotional hurdles so I'd be pretty happy with that.

Emotional: Conquer my morning routine

I hit snooze over and over and over. I run late. I abandon all good intentions from the night before. This must end. Mornings are really important for me and it's one of my most productive times. But I need to make them more consistent. Also, I should probably learn how to get out of bed.

Spiritual: Complete three of the Standard Works

I've started The Old Testament, as we all know, and I read from The Book of Mormon every night. So I'd like to finish those and one other (New Testament, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants) this year. I feel like this one is super achievable IF I also accomplish my emotional goal of conquering my mornings.

Mental: Accomplish 25 of my 99 in 999  goals

This is a fun one for me. Working on my 99 has really been a blast for me, but again, without being purposeful it can move really slow.  Also, there are several that I started and haven't finished so this will also be a needed mental exercise in actually following through.

Word of the Year: Accept

This comes after much debate and pondering and reading and many experiences. But I think it's what I need this year. Accept challenges. Accept other people. Accept vulnerability. Accept pain. Accept my own emotions and my own humanity. Accept God's will. Accept relationships. Accept weaknesses. Accept strengths. I'm sure more thoughts on this will come. 

And as a final note, I did a wee bit of running today. So there you go.

2013: Photo Summary

A more wordy summary will come, but in the meantime photos do a decent job, don't they?

November

This month was one of the longest and most eventful of my life. The term "emotional roller-coaster" is pretty insufficient but it's the only one that comes to mind. And it all began at the beach.

Myrtle Beach, to be exact.

We spent four calm, beautiful, peaceful days at the beach. I read books, walked, thought and thought and thought. I knew that I loved the beach but I didn't realize at the time how important that long weekend at the beach would be for me. It was nourishing and regulating and calming. We need that in our lives more than we go seeking for it!

Gift From the Sea by Ann Morrow Lindbergh is my beach book. I take it with me anytime I go to the beach and read from it randomly. This trip was so long I was able to read the whole thing, and let me tell you, I love this book. Here are some of my favorite moments in this book:

“Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotton beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.”

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.” 

“The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere."

And just one more.  “Perhaps this is the most important thing for me to take back from beach-living: simply the memory that each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid.”

Do you see why I love this book? There were so many perfectly timed reminders and perspective switches for me. Reading at the beach-one of my most enjoyable life experiences. 

 What's that? Oh, yes we did ride in a helicopter. Have a look.

It was awesome. Granger said so. 

 The weekend after we went to the beach I was able to attend a TEDx conference at Virginia Tech. If you're not familiar with what TED is, let me introduce you:  Prepare to be forever changed. Here are a few of the talks that most impacted me that day.

 Heroic by Nature, Cowardly by Convenience 

Re-creation Through Recreation

 Launching Lemons into Space 

Forget What You Know

 Disruptive Design via Additive Manufacturing

I have thought about these talks everyday since I went to the conference. I'm a TED fan. Also, I was super brave and went all by myself. So brave! So worth it!

My friends Maddison and Helen went with me up to the parkway. Again, bragging about where I live.

This spot is ten minutes from my house. No big deal. 

Granger earned some extra bucks and decided a sibling date to Applebees was in order. He's pretty serious about salmon; I mean, check this out.

Eats his dinner like a real man!

Actually, Granger was pretty inspired to have us go out to dinner that night. It was some good Granger time that, again, I didn't know how much I needed.

The next afternoon I was told a dear friend of mine in Utah had passed away. The next two weeks were a whirlwind of emotions and planning and conversations and  travel. You can read the post I wrote about Noah here. I'm not even going to attempt to define my feelings about him or his family right now. While I was in Utah I was able to reconnect with some of my dear Clear Horizons Academy friends. These are truly wonderful people who I absolutely love.

Me and James! I love love love this boy. 

I'm not sure you could say the four of us really worked together, but we did work at the same place. Usually when I was around these girls things felt way too much fun to be called "work". 

Wonderful Sabra Allred. I didn't realize she was in town and I definitely fell apart when I saw her.

 My Eddie-lovin' friend Jaime. This amazing woman makes some beautiful children.

Holli Holy Eyes. One of my nearest and dearest friends. So great to talk to each other in person, rather than just on the phone. 

This woman. I adore her. I hope one day I can be just like her.

And Lindsay. Honestly, I don't know how I would have coped with the last month of my life without Lindsay. She has been my sanity. And I'm in love with her son. 







 But I have to say, the absolute highlight of my trip was this person:

Marley girl. We're betht friendth.

I want to be Marley when I grow up. I absolutely love, respect, and adore her. It blows my mind that she loves me so much, but I'm so so so grateful for her friendship. She's the best.

One day I'll write about my flight home, (following the most painful goodbyes of my entire life), and the three wonderful men who took care of me, saw that there was a sane, capable person under all of my teary fatigue and were so very, very kind. As I said to one of my friends who called me in the airport, "I'm a very calm mess". I firmly believe people were sent to help me through a really, really tough day. Stories for later.

I know, I know, longest post ever. But guess what, it was the longest month ever so it kinda matches up.

Two days after I got back from Utah my family left to accompany an SVU travel study trip to NYC for Thanksgiving. The trip was really a great time; I didn't feel anywhere near emotionally ready for it, but by the end of the trip I had the moments I had needed to feel a little more myself and a little more stable and hopeful.

We went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which was freezing and long and worth it. 

Granger's typical subway pose. 

My Mom, me, and Lady Liberty. 

Went to the MOMA. Walked around a corner. Oh, there's Starry Night. Just hanging out. 

A room with Monet canvases that took up entire walls. Beautiful. 

We also went to the Museum of Natural History. Some of you may recognize "DumDum". Granger and I were thrilled to meet him. 

And Teddy! I'm a fan, so it was lovely to share a bench with him. Granger was clearly delighted. 

My darling sister waiting for lunch. How cute is she?

I found this little sketch at the MOA and I quickly became obsessed with it. 

There's something very powerful about it to me. 

I mean, look at that. Amazing. 

We went to see Cinderella- a fabulous escape and also fulfilled one of my 99 goals. The show was fantastic. It's a lovely little tale anyway but they changed some of the story and there was so much more progression and meaning to it all. I loved it.






But the most impressive thing about this trip was that I drove one of these:

through this:

There were SO many people and SO many cars and I drove through it. Twice. I'm a freaking rock star.

Many, many things to be grateful for this month and a lot of pain to go along with it. Not a month I'll quickly move on from. Each of the experiences of this month keep replaying in my head and I think I'll be learning from all of them for a long, long time.

To all of you who actually made it to the end of this blog post, send me your address and I'll mail you a candy bar. You deserve it.

October!

Okay, I know everyone loves October. Here's the thing- I can be a snob about lots of things, and apparently I'm an October snob. If you haven't seen October in Virginia then just understand that needs to happen for you. Early in October I went with my friend Taerra to "the double-decker". It's a spot in my hometown that's used for everything from wedding receptions to late-night antics of young hooligans. It's got some ancient playground equipment and a bajillion picnic tables. And this is the view:

This is where I live. Those little buildings down there? That's my hometown. It's small and old and a little time warp and I love it.



Actually, I kinda told a lie up there. This isn't actually where I live. I live in Lexington now. It's hard to explain the BV vs Lexington aspect of Rockbridge County. They're ten minutes away from each other and they feel like separate worlds. I love both and I wish there was a lot more crossover between the two communities. As it is, I'm quite happy to claim both places as home. I live near the cemetery in Lexington and I recently claimed a bench under a tree as my very own. Here's the view from my spot:

What can I say? I live in a beautiful place.







I recently went to a Tedx Conference and one of the speakers shared the history of baseball in his hometown. His presentation was fueled mostly by photographs and then he mentioned a slump in his towns history. He brought this up to emphasize that it correlated with the time in their history in which they did not have a baseball program. But then he mentioned that he had no photographs of that time period. He briefly commented on the fact that we rarely take photos of the bad times. I have thought about that a lot recently and he's very right and I don't think I'm okay with it. In October the brakes in my car went out and Granger and I almost crashed into an oncoming car. The subsequent adventure of calling for a tow truck, waiting on the side of the road, trying to calm my nerves, etc... was all incredibly photographable. (Photographable=not a word). But I didn't take photos and I wish I had.

In any case, that happened. And we lived to tell the tale. Here's the little blurp I put on facebook about it: "Driving down a hill toward a stop sign. Realize my brakes are gone. Notice oncoming car. We're going to collide. I scream my favorite swear four times (the s word, in case you're curious) and make a sharp turn onto the side of the road narrowly missing the other car on my left side and the huge ditch on my right. The car stops. I take a few deep breaths. Granger: 'Um... flat tire?' You people without Grangers must have really tough lives. My condolences."

I DO have photos of this happy surprise of all surprises!

I knew Bethany was coming into town but I had no idea she'd be at the temple, and I certainly didn't know that Heston would be there! Bethany sent me a photo of her and Heston and I could tell it was at the temple and I immediately called her. The conversation went something like this.

"Hi!"
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"At the temple. Where are you?"
"Fifteen minutes away!"
"WHAT? AH!"
"Go to the visitor center!"
"Okayloveyoubye!"

One of my most enjoyable phone calls. Bethany was in town for several days and her very gracious family was kind enough to let me steal for a bit. I think we had just over an hour, but anytime with Bethany is something I treasure! Few people know me so well and vice versa. We're just really good friends, okay? See look.

ElizaBethany and delicious hippie desserts.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET HALLOWEEN! One of my 99 goals is to make and wear a legitimate halloween costume.

Check! How cute are we? Farishte (aka Thing 1) came up with this idea and I thought it was so clever. Making the costumes was actually pretty easy and really fun. You guys, I love Farishte. She's one of my very favorite thing 1s.

And then that night we drove here.

But you'll have to wait for the next blog post for that story.

Pretty dang good month I'd say.

A Thankful Heart

Last week I was sitting with my dear friend Wendy in her living room. Our one-on-one moments are rare and this past week they were very nearly sacred to me. In a quiet moment I asked Wendy if I could write a blog post about her son Noah. She gave me permission to do so and since then I have been mentally, emotionally and spiritually gathering every tool I have for expression, and still I have found myself sadly lacking in any ability to articulate a single word about Wendy's little boy. Everything seems inadequate for explaining my emotions, my memories, and the life of Noah Blake Hoop. With the understanding that I simply can't do him justice, I'm hoping to write a few words to help myself process and to have a permanent tribute to this little boy I happen to adore.

You know how we pick terms of endearment or nick-names for people we love? I have my generic ones that I use on a regular basis, but those people dearest to my heart get their very own. Noah had one of those:

Punk.

Yep. Punk.

My experience working with Noah in the classroom was an adventure from day one. He was one of the students who walked into the classroom like he owned it, because he did. He was extremely confident and remarkably capable. He knew the system, he knew how people worked and he knew what he wanted and how to get it. Often when I found myself calling him a punk I would get an impish smile in return- clearly that boy knew exactly what he was doing. He did things on his own time, he loved the spotlight, he demanded interaction from people he loved, and if you were boring him you definitely knew about it pretty quickly. He was, as the nick-name implies, a punk.

Also, he looked good in any color. Seriously any color. He loved water; swimming in it, pouring it, squirting it, watching it, you name it. He loved Blues Clues (Steve only, obviously. The boy had brains.) His rhythm makes the cast of Stomp look like monkeys playing in a junk yard. He had these cow-licks that gave him a natural fohawk. He loved music. He sang all the time and tapped out rhythms like you wouldn't believe. He had the most ridiculous love eyes I've ever seen- When he looked at you with love it went right down to your toes.He had his own language; drinks, micamins, happocopters, lights, crackers, and fedders all had their own meaning for Noah. He was hilarious.

Noah was a lot of things. Last Saturday I received the news that Noah had passed away. I spent Tuesday-Sunday of the next week with Noah's family. We talked and laughed and cried, not just about Noah but about a lot of things. One thing I learned as I spent time grieving with his family during such an intense time, is that out of all the things Noah was during his life, he was most definitely a Hoop.

Noah's Dad has a talent for taking whoever is around him and engaging them and helping them feel like they are part of his World at that moment. Noah could command an audience like no one  I've ever seen. There were times in class when I wished I had spent the morning selling tickets to the Noah show.

Noah's Mom loves fiercely and she is staunchly loyal. When Noah loved you he loved you all the time and he loved you deep and he loved you even when he was ticked off at life. He never gave up on you and Wendy never gave up on him.

Noah's brother Gabriel is a quietly strong person with the ability to consistently do hard things while checking up on the people closest to his heart. Noah had an ability to cope that I've only seen matched by Gabriel. Those two are modern-day Jobs in my eyes.

Duncan Hoop is one of the most capable people I have ever know. That kid can do anything. Noah would set his mind to something and he simply wouldn't give up. He might go home, he might move on to another activity, but you could bet that the next morning he would be right back to solving how to touch the lights, how to get your watch, how to magically force animal crackers to crawl to him when he called.

Marley Hoop is one of the wisest, gentlest, most nurturing souls I've ever know. That four-year-old has more sensitivity, more devotion, and more understanding than most adults I know. As vibrant and sometimes inhumanely uncontrollably loud as Noah could be, he also had moments of gentleness. Cuddling with a blanket, quietly singing with a friend, reading on a beanbag, and, of course, dumping water outside. The boy knew how to regroup, how to rest and how to invite the people he loved into a state of simply being with him, objective-free and gentle.

Graham Hoop is passionate. He means "no" passionately and he means "yes" with every ounce of yes-ness he's got. Noah never really hesitated to voice an opinion. That boy didn't feel things halfway. He felt strongly and he got along better with you if he knew you could do the same. He was passionate about what he wanted, but he was also passionate about having fun. He could make anything fun if you just let him.

Theo Hoop is sweet, mild and the most cuddly thing on this earth. At three-months-old he has established himself as pretty much the best baby ever. I found myself wondering several times while I was in Utah and holding Theo at every chance I got, if may be he had the most clear connection to Noah out of all of us. Theo still has that magical-I-just-came-from-heaven quality about him, and now that Noah's there too I can't help but think there's a unique and predestined connection between the two of them.

Noah wasn't just a dear friend to me, he introduced me to a whole family of people I absolutely love. Noah spent a lifetime bringing great people together and fostering friendships that will last for eternity. Marley and I talked several times about how we would miss Noah and Noah dying would be a sad thing forever. But there are so many things about Noah that bring happiness! I am so thankful for Noah. I'm so thankful for his smile and his love and his punkness. I am so thankful for his family and their patience and honesty and trust. Because of them I don't feel like I've lost Noah. I miss him, but he's still very much impacting my life and the lives of those around him. How very like Noah to refuse to go quietly.

Ever since I first heard this song several years ago it has been my Noah song. He was courageous, and in the midst of his worst days I could feel in his eyes his encouragement to never let evil get me down. And man, oh man, could he ever make me laugh. I love that boy. That little punk of a symphony. Through all of this I've been writing about Noah in past tense as I search through all my memories. But I very much think of him in the present and firmly know that he is still courageous, still making people laugh, and still winning battles I cannot even fathom.

Two days before Thanksgiving I'm a mess of emotions. But the one thought that always, always, brings tears to my eyes is how thankful I am for this boy and his family. I'm not sure how to process everything that's happened or how to help a family through something like this. I know it's going to be a tough road, but for this moment I know I can at least be thankful.

Noah taught me that's an easy way to start.